bbq desserts: funny stories

Showing posts with label funny stories. Show all posts

Showing posts with label funny stories. Show all posts

Blew Through Yet Another Hair Dryer...

...Pun definitely intended. Is it just me or does everyone go through a hair dryer like once a year?

I swear I just bought this hair dryer maybe a year ago and it already broke. Died on me this morning. Luckily I was just about finished and used my flat iron for the final touches. Otherwise I wouldn't have looked very pretty this morning. My hair is getting longer now, so I can't get away with not blowing it dry anymore, otherwise it does this very unattractive wavy thing. I only reserve Sundays for no blow dryer use, because come on, it's the day of rest, right? And then I just throw it up so no one can tell I have this weird wavy thing going on.

Anyway, I am looking for some suggestions on a good hair dryer that will last me longer than a year. Please provide your suggestions in the comment box, preferably an affordable suggestion. Thanks!

This Just In...Turkey Bacon is Not Healthier than Real Bacon

So, while I was working from home the other day I was watching Oprah. She had on the guy who wrote the books Eat This... Don't Eat That or something like that. Anyway, the episode was about childhood obesity and they were trying to educate obese tweens and teens on healthy eating habits.

They played a little quiz with the audience asking what is healthier (or at least better) to eat between two choices. Well, one of the questions was, what is better, real bacon or turkey bacon? It turns out the better choice is REAL BACON! Who would've thought, right? Not me. For the past 4 years I have been eating turkey bacon thinking it is better for me. Apparently, they have the same fat and calorie count, but turkey bacon has more sodium.

I totally feel like have been cheating myself this whole time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind turkey bacon, but I would much rather have regular bacon. So, no more denying myself the pleasure of real bacon. I will practice some self-control, though. I'm not going to start eating bacon on a regular basis or anything.

Beef Bolognese Sauce Over Creamy Polenta

I have made bolognese sauce before, but have always served it over pasta, which is traditional. Tonight I served it over creamy polenta. It was absolutely heavenly. Usually to make this sauce from scratch you start with carrots, onions and celery. But since last week I made Giada's homemade marinara sauce, which already has those vegetables, I just used the sauce I had in my freezer. This saved a lot of time.

Ingredients for the Sauce:
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 lb. lean ground beef
3 cups of Giada's marinara sauce (Find the recipe here.)
8 leaves of fresh basil, chopped
1/4 cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped
salt and pepper to taste
1/4 cup grated parmesan or romano cheese

Ingredients for the Polenta:
2 cups chicken broth
2 cups milk
1 cup yellow cornmeal

In a large skillet over medium high heat, add the oil. Once hot add the ground beef. While it browns, break up the meat with a wooden spatula so there aren't any large lumps. Add the sauce, basil, parsley and salt and pepper to taste. Let simmer for 30 minutes. Stir in the cheese. Check for seasoning.

In a medium saucepan bring the broth and milk to a boil. (Keep an eye on it because as soon as I turned my back for one second, it boiled over and made a mess on my stovetop. Some of my readers may have remembered this happen to me before. I don't know what my deal is with polenta, but I digress.) Once it comes to a boil, reduce heat to low and whisk in the polenta. Continue to stir for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat.

Serve the polenta in the bottom of a bowl and top with some of the bolognese sauce. Makes 4 servings.

London Broil with Chimichurri Sauce

Just when I think I have this cooking thing down a major mistake bumps me back down to reality. But, more on that later. Here is a low-carb meal using London Broil that is cooked under your broiler and served with a Chimichurri sauce. This sauce is very versatile. Use the leftovers on chicken or like I did tonight, sauteed fish.

Ingredients:
1 and 1/2 pound London Broil
olive oil
salt and pepper
a couple of handfuls of flat-leaf parsley
2 garlic cloves
2 Tbsp fresh oregano (I used thyme because I had it on hand and really didn't want to buy oregano, too. But, I think oregano is more authentic for this Argentinian sauce.)
1/2 cup red wine vinegar
handful of cherry tomatoes (Totally optional. I don't think tomatoes are low-carb, I just added them because I thought they would be good...and they were.)
3 Tbsp olive oil

Alright, this is where I screwed up. The directions that I was semi-following said to cook under your broiler by placing the oven rack on the closest setting to the flame. So being that this was my first time cooking a piece of meat in such a way, I did what I was told. Then it said to liberally drizzle the meat with olive oil and season with salt and pepper, which I did. Well, after a couple of minutes I noticed there was a lot of smoke, I peeked inside the oven and there was a flame, actual fire! I totally freaked out, closed the door, turned off the broiler and yelled fire to my husband. Needless to say, he wasn't amused. All was well, the flame went out by itself but smoked filled my house. It still kinda smells in here. Miraculously, the meat wasn't ruined and turned out pretty well.

But, this is why I test recipes prior to posting them, so you all can learn from my mistakes. So, if your broiler has two settings like mine - low and high - place it on low. And DO NOT place the oven rack closest to the flame. Instead, place it second to the top. Set the London Broil on a broiler pan, season with salt and pepper and liberally drizzle with olive oil. Cook for about 8 minutes per side. Longer if you like it more well done. But, I warn you, London Broil is a tough meat, the more done it is, the drier and chewier it will be. Remove from the oven to a cutting board, cover with foil and allow to rest for at least 5 minutes.

While the meat is resting, place the tomatoes on the pan and cook under the broiler for a minute until they get hot and pop a bit. Place the parsley, garlic, oregano or thyme, red wine vinegar and tomatoes into a food processor and chop. Add the olive oil and mix. Slice the meat thinly across the grain (the lines running horizontally through the meat). Spoon the sauce over the meat.

I served with green beans that I boiled for a few minutes and then sauteed with olive oil, garlic and sliced almonds.

A New Tapenade

I didn't really do my week's grocery shopping this weekend, so yesterday I just had to make do with what I had around, which I thought was more than it actually was. But I didn't do too badly. I threw together a quick parsley and sundried tomato tapenade that I slapped on a refrigerated pizza crust with a feta cheese topping. It was actually pretty good, but as my guy's guy of a husband indicated to me today it wasn't much of a dinner. I so wish I had some kalamata olives, pepperoni, mushrooms, anything else at all to top it with. But, I just didn't.

Needless to say, today after work I had to run to the grocery store to stock up on provisions for the rest of the week. The only thing worse than going to the grocery store after a workday is going when Mother Nature feels like having a little fun by pouring rain on you with no end in sight. Oh, it did stop - as soon as I got upstairs with all the groceries.

Tonight I made an equally fast dinner by sauteeing tilapia and topping it with leftover tapenade and served it with steamed broccoli and a little side of pasta. My husband was left a little more satisfied.

Parsley and Sundried Tomato Tapenade
1 Tbsp pine nuts, toasted in a skillet until golden
1 bunch flat-leaf parsley
1/2 cup sundried tomatoes
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese
2 cloves of garlic
pinch of crushed red pepper
about 1/3 cup olive oil
salt and pepper to taste

Place all of the ingredients, except for the olive oil into a food processor fitted with a metal blade. Let 'er rip until ingredients are chopped and mixed together. Turn the processor on again and slowly stream in the olive oil until the pesto comes together and reaches desired consistency. May take more or less oil, just eyeball it. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

4th of July Fireworks and Barbeques

Happy July and Happy Almost Independence Day! What is more American than celebrating the 4th with a backyard barbeque with family and friends?... Nothing. If this Tampa Bay rain ever decides to stop we plan to celebrate at a friends house. Here is what we have planned for our cookout so far:

My husband is making his jerk chicken
Picking up a rack of ribs
An assortment of sausages
A penne pasta salad with feta and spinach as a side dish
Possibly pecan bars for dessert
Yummy domestic beer (It doesn't seem right to drink an import on our Independence Day)

What are you planning to cook for the Fourth of July? Please share in the comments section.

Betty Crocker Newsletters

I have a bunch of blueberries I need to use before they go bad, so I decided I will make quick blueberry muffins using Bisquick. Well, I looked on the back of the box for the recipe and it wasn't there, so I got my little butt online to find it. While I was on the site I ran across a sign up feature for newsletters, so I of course signed up. Now I receive e-newsletters for quick and easy recipes from the almighty Betty Crocker, Bisquick and some easy dinner recipes. If you're interested check out www.bettycrocker.com.

A Publix Grievance to Air

So, I went to the store this evening to pick up some fresh chorizo to make this chorizo and chickpea dish for dinner. I run up to Publix on a mission to find this one ingredient quickly (the only one I needed) and get the hell out of there.

My first mistake was going during 6:00 traffic when all the idiots are out on the road. My second mistake was going when I was hungry. (I'm not a pleasant person when my blood sugar is low.) My third mistake was going to Publix, since clearly they suck because they don't carry what I needed. All they had was ONE type of chorizo that is already smoked. I needed fresh, uncooked chorizo for this dish. I knew I should have gone to the Sweetbay that I know carries it. I just figured Publix would have it. And I figured they would have more to offer than just one kind. Wrong! Apparently, people in Carrollwood don't cook with chorizo.

On the verge of cutting a biatch and not wanting to go to another grocery store that would be out of my way, sending me back on the road with the crazy drivers, I decided to pick up dinner from Jasmine Thai, which is located in the same plaza that I was already at. So, I get my dinner, drive back home, eat my delicious dinner, my blood sugar goes back up, I calm down, and no biatch got cut in the process. All in all I would say it was a successful night. Thanks for letting me vent.

What Do You Mean He Don't Eat No Meat?

That is my absolute favorite line from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." And tonight I had a big fat Greek salad for dinner. My husband was having dinner with a friend who's in town, so I decided to just go get a salad for dinner. It has been so long since I had a Greek salad from Pappas. I was very excited. I think why I like their salad so much is because it is loaded with potato salad.

I have been very good lately at taming my sweet tooth, but I couldn't resist getting a piece of baklava for dessert. It's like a little piece of heaven doused with honey. I would really like to make baklava myself sometime, but I find all those paper-thin layers of phyllo rather daunting.

Pork Tenderloin Diane

This recipe may sound fancy, and you can find it on many restaurant menus, but I assure you it is very doable. The pork tenderloin was a great piece of meat; very lean, moist and tender. This particular recipe is from the magazine, Cuisine at Home.

Ingredients:
3/4 cup chicken broth
1/4 cup onion, chopped
2 garlic cloves
2 Tbsp. brandy (optional; I didn't use it because I didn't have any and didn't feel like buying any)
1 Tbsp. dijon mustard
1 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 Tbsp. tomato paste
1 lb. pork tenderloin, trimmed and cut at an angle into 1 and 1/2 thick pieces, roughly 8 pieces) salt and pepper
1 Tbsp. vegetable oil

In a food processor or blender, blend the broth, onion, garlic, brandy (if using), dijon mustard, Worcestershire and tomato paste until onion is minced. Set aside.

Trim the pork tenderloin of any excess fat. This is very easy to do and the fat comes off very easily. Just slide a knife under it and gently pull it off. Once it is trimmed, cut it an angle into 1 and 1/2 thick slices. You should get 8 pieces, enough for four servings. See the picture below.

See how lean the pork tenderloin is? It almost looks like beef. Hey, check out my fat fingers!

Now, season the pork with salt and pepper. Heat the oil in a large saute pan over medium-high to high heat. Add the cutlets and sear for 3 minutes on each side or until a nice brown crust forms, see below. If using a stainless steel pan, make sure there is enough oil in the pan. You may need to add more once you flip the pork over to brown the second side. (I pretty much smoked out my house. I am surprised the smoke alarm didn't go off, which might be a sign that I need to change the batteries.)

See the smoke? Lovely. Learn from my experience, add more oil to the pan. Do you see how dry mine is? But hey, this is my first time with the recipe, so it sometimes take a couple of tries to perfect the process. Has a nice crust to it though, and searing the meat locks in all the juices.

Once browned, remove the tenderloin pieces from the pan and keep warm. Add the broth mixture to the pan, scraping up any brown bits. Bring to a boil and simmer for 3 minutes, or until slightly thickened. Retun pork to the pan along with any drippings; simmer to warm through. Season to taste, spooning sauce over cutlets.

Sorry I don't have a picture of the finished product. By the time I de-smoked the house and finished the dish I just wanted to eat it. Even though I had a little mishap, the dish still came out very good. The pork was juicy and tender. The sauce was delicious. I definitely will add it to the rotation.

I served this with smashed potatoes and steamed green beans.

My New Kitchen Appliance

I finally got a new coffeemaker and I am so excited. My previous coffeemaker was a coffeemaker/cappuccino maker and it was just too big. I needed that little bit of extra counterspace so I got a regular coffeemaker. Plus, I never used the cappuccino side, not even once. I got a black/stainless steel Black & Decker coffeemaker that has a program feature to auto-brew and it shuts off automatically. This machine was made for a person with OCD, because it has a thermal pot, once the coffee brews it shuts off right away. No warmer is needed. First, the people at Revlon made my automatic shut-off flat iron and now the Black & Decker people make an auto-shut off coffeemaker? This is awesome! Two less rituals to perfom in the morning now. (Who am I kidding? I'm still going to check that both our unplugged before I leave the house.)

My Plates Were on TV

As we were watching Reaper on television tonight I noticed in a scene they were using the same plates I have. I guess that is what happens when you shop at Target. In fact, I've seen my shower curtain featured on television more than once. It's just always funny to see your stuff on TV.

I Need a Drink

I'll be honest. Lately, I have been losing my cool when cooking. I try very hard to have all my elements of dinner ready at the same time, so nothing gets cold while waiting for everything else to be done. But, three times recently I have been making dinner and time it so everything is done, but my main course is taking longer than expected. Last Sunday it was turkey meatloaf, Friday night it was my pork chops, tonight it was my salmon. Maybe it is my OCD or maybe it is low blood sugar, but it just makes me lose my mind. So here I sit with a Kahlua and skim milk, my version of a chill pill, trying to calm down.

Ten Must-Have Kitchen Gadgets

I got an email today from thenest.com and the first article was about must-have kitchen gadgets, so it of course caught my attention. I thought I would share the list with everyone. Here is the link if you want to check them all out in detail: http://ideas.thenest.com/dinner-recipes/cooking-advice/Slideshows/must-have-kitchen-tools.aspx?MsdVisit=1. Some of them are really genius and I will run out and get them ASAP.

1. Collapsible Measuring Cups & Spoons - I have to get some of these. They would save so much room in my drawers.

2. Garlic Press - duh, already have

3. Silicone Nonstick French Rolling Pin - Genius, but I already have a rolling pin, so I probably won't go out and buy this one.

4. Glass Prep Bowls - I need to get some of these, it would probably make cooking easier and faster.

5. Palm Held Pizza Wheel - Very cool gadget that looks like it would make cutting pizza super easy.

6. Swinging Mandoline - A mandoline is a contraption that can slice veggies very quickly. However, it is very sharp. I have one, but have never used it because I am terrified that I will cut a finger or two off.

7. Recipe Divider - Totally genius! Perfect for single ladies and couples, since most recipes have a serving size of 4 or more. Can also be used to multiply a recipe to serve a crowd.

8. Two-in-One Citrus Squeezer - Neat gadget, but for $22 I'll squeeze my citrus by hand.

9. Fancy Corkscrew - $60! I don't think so. Plus, after opening wine bottles for more than 4 years at an up-scale restaurant, I think I can manage with my little wine opener.

10. Block Set of Cutlery - I don't have one of these, but I should. It is a great investment.

The Sweetest Time of Year

It is that time again... Girl Scout cookie time! I know I am trying to eat healthier, so buying three boxes of Girl Scout cookies probably wasn't the best idea, but I don't care. I put them in my freezer and I'll eat them slowly.

My rationale is that buying the cookies is for a good cause. Those little Girl Scouts need people to buy their cookies because it funds their programs. And let's face it, these are tough economic times. They need as many people as possible to buy their yummy cookies. It only comes around once a year.

I like tagalongs, thin mints and samoas. Thin mints are especially good frozen or crushed on top of ice cream. What is your favorite kind?

Neighbors from H-E-L-L

I'm sure everyone can relate to having experienced annoying neighbors at some point in their life. I just thought that when I owned a home that I wouldn't really have to deal with it anymore. I was sorely mistaken.

My husband and I bought our townhouse three years ago, and at first everything was fine. It was a quiet condominium community with people really caring about the property, and for the most part it still is, except for a few select people. The way we are set up is that our townhouse is on the 2nd and 3rd floors, so we have another condo unit below us. It is currently being rented out by some very loud and disrespectful people. We constantly hear them yelling and banging shit around through the floor of our downstairs. I am not even sure who actually lives there and who doesn't. People are coming and going all the time I can't keep them straight. They can't even walk from their van to their house without screaming and hollering. Seriously, if I can hear your entire conversation, clear as day, from the inside of my house, you're being to effing loud!

The worst part is they're ruining the property. They broke two of their front bay windows one night in November! Helllooo, it is now March for heaven's sake! And they weren't broken because someone tried to break in or anything. They were being roudy and fighting and poof! window broken. I can only imagine what the inside of the place looks like. I finally called the association and reported it the other week. Some of my other neighbors who actually care about the state of their property have complained as well. And today when we came home from work I noticed the windows were finally fixed. It only took four months.

Now, I don't have anything against renters, but it really pisses me off when people act like they don't give a shit. Some of us own our home and have an investment in the community, so it is important to us for the property to be maintained and not trashed. Seriously, do I need to explain to people that taping up two broken windows for four months is trashy? This isn't "suitcase city" it is Carrollwood. We don't roll like that here.

I am going to make it my personal mission to get them evicted. Not only are they damaging their unit, but they have started destroying communal property. Nothing pisses me off more than vandalism. They have messed with the wrong modern housewife. Stay tuned...

My Happy Place

Today I figured out that The Fresh Market is my happy place. I was coming home and the traffic was particularly heavy for 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I was starting to get pissed, and I was in a hurry to get home. I stopped at The Fresh Market and was walking through and all my troubles seemed to melt away. I was no longer in a hurry and it just made me very Zen. I grabbed some healthy snacks and a couple of things for dinner. Then when I left my happy place, my Zenness went away and I felt annoyed again.

I Lost My Poor Meatball...

when somebody sneezed. Not really, but I did lose my meatball tonight. I had leftover turkey meatballs from last night, so we made meatball subs. I used whole-wheat subs and toasted them first under the broiler. I reheated the meatballs and sauce on the stovetop. A good tip when making these is to cut the meatballs in half. It makes them a little more manageable. Fill the subs with the meatballs, top with provolone cheese and place under the broiler for a couple of minutes, until the cheese is melted.

Cutting the meatballs in half did make it easier to eat, but they were still extremely messy. I think I made it through three bites using my hands before I broke out the knife and fork. Messy is always tasty.

Health Update

I believe I mentioned to everyone that my husband's cholesterol is dangerously high, like time to break out the Lipitor high. Well, I am glad to announce he has lost five pounds! Which I am sure has positively impacted his cholesterol. I think my healthy cooking has something to do with it. Plus, me being on his ass everyday to drink lots of water and eat his morning Cheerios. I'll keep nagging him and feeding him healthy foods.

Paula's Apron

I am watching Paula Deen and she has the funniest apron on. It says, "I'm still a hot babe. It just comes in flashes!" She is so funny. I want a cute apron.